One Thought at a Time

Like a black storm cloud, anxiety

pursues me, never far behind,

an unwelcome, constant companion

for most of my life.

Seeds naively sown in childhood:

responsibilities not mine to assume,

perfectionism and hypervigilance not checked,

self-doubt and worries

rooted, but never weeded, and grown

over the decades into unwanted habits,

patterns, and unconscious responses.

Medication, therapy, and

a library of self-help books

provide the knowledge and resources,

the way out or through my anxiety,

but not the discipline needed to act on it.

Thoughts: the enemy is in my head,

those ever looping brain messages.

And so, I turn my attention

to the source of my fear:

my thought patterns.

“Taking every thought captive”

requires awareness and intentionality,

moment by moment, thought by thought.

I turn my attention to recognize

unreasonable expectations,

the need to be perfect,

the continuous imaginings of “what if’s”.

the catastrophizing and negativity,

apprehensions and fear,

the stinking thinking.

To say “stop”. To stay “stop” again

and again and again and again

until it becomes so instinctual,

so natural, so immediate,

my head is no longer my enemy.

— cmshingle