I stay a lot more silent now. It’s clear that the ones who can be loud are the ones that have confidence in their worth and their abilities. I can’t have that confidence, as much as I’ve tried. The only time I have confidence is when it doesn’t seem like there’s much too lose or all is lost anyway.
The last time I felt empowered in my own voice I went to HR to complain about my boss saying misogynistic, racist things, and harassing people on our team. HR seemed so receptive and nice, letting me know they were onto it. One month later I was laid off, no explanation given besides that I hadn’t asked for enough 360 degree feedback and they no longer needed my skills.
It was a hard lesson. I guess it’s probably more amazing that I was over 40 when this happened, and still had this idea that HR was there to help you.
Now I’m at a company where they tell us again and they want transparency, that we should feel free to voice our concerns. I never do, because I’ve learned that this kind of stance is often just for show.
Tonight I had a performance review from my boss, who’s not super fond of me, and has been giving me feedback all year that I’ve been lacking. I decided beforehand I’d tell him that my husband has been very ill and I had a hard time focusing, but this next year will be different since his illness is mostly resolved. It felt like this was trying to embrace the spirit of transparency, but my boss told me immediately that I shouldn’t have to tell him about personal issues and we’d need to talk later.
Now I’m worried that this is a sign that I’m going to get laid off again and he doesn’t want to be aware of this kind of information, which could be used as a way to combat a wrongful termination. Is this paranoid? I don’t know any more. It’s how I’ve gotten used to feeling with any job. A lot of the time I think there’s something wrong with me, that I’m a terrible worker. Most employees in my company seem to be working all the time, and I just refuse to do that. I can’t do that. It’s a path to burnout and really really hating my life. But maybe my feeling like this is a sign that the career I’ve chosen isn’t the right one for me. Only what to do next? I’m staying silent and listening carefully. Maybe I’ll speak out one day and ask for help on the right path.
— siobhan
The last time I felt empowered in my own voice I went to HR to complain about my boss saying misogynistic, racist things, and harassing people on our team. HR seemed so receptive and nice, letting me know they were onto it. One month later I was laid off, no explanation given besides that I hadn’t asked for enough 360 degree feedback and they no longer needed my skills.
It was a hard lesson. I guess it’s probably more amazing that I was over 40 when this happened, and still had this idea that HR was there to help you.
Now I’m at a company where they tell us again and they want transparency, that we should feel free to voice our concerns. I never do, because I’ve learned that this kind of stance is often just for show.
Tonight I had a performance review from my boss, who’s not super fond of me, and has been giving me feedback all year that I’ve been lacking. I decided beforehand I’d tell him that my husband has been very ill and I had a hard time focusing, but this next year will be different since his illness is mostly resolved. It felt like this was trying to embrace the spirit of transparency, but my boss told me immediately that I shouldn’t have to tell him about personal issues and we’d need to talk later.
Now I’m worried that this is a sign that I’m going to get laid off again and he doesn’t want to be aware of this kind of information, which could be used as a way to combat a wrongful termination. Is this paranoid? I don’t know any more. It’s how I’ve gotten used to feeling with any job. A lot of the time I think there’s something wrong with me, that I’m a terrible worker. Most employees in my company seem to be working all the time, and I just refuse to do that. I can’t do that. It’s a path to burnout and really really hating my life. But maybe my feeling like this is a sign that the career I’ve chosen isn’t the right one for me. Only what to do next? I’m staying silent and listening carefully. Maybe I’ll speak out one day and ask for help on the right path.
— siobhan
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