I never had a lightning love moment with my husband. That feeling of crazy, heady love that makes you barely able to focus on anything else. Instead, we gradually got to know each other. I liked him more and more until one night he told me he loved me, and then after a few days I decided I loved him too.
So that was fine. Years passed and while we didn't get married we grew into a family with my young son and a move across the country to a house in Seattle. But there was something weird about the move. When I asked him if he was willing to move for a post-doc position, he responded, 'if I have to'. He complained about selling and packing up our stuff, he seemed despondent over leaving the life we'd built in New York, his teaching and coaching, biking with a semi-pro team on weekend. he would have nothing in Seattle besides me and my son.
We arrived in Seattle in mid-winter and it was almost as if he wasn't there. He didn't look for a job, he didn't want to go out or spend time with me and extended family(who lived in Seattle). I kept waiting for him to announce he would leave, that the relationship wasn't enough to make him stay in a city he clearly hated. But he wasn't saying anything, just acting closed in, and slightly cranky. I loved him, but I still wasn't sure if this was the burning lifelong love that made me want to hold onto him through this first major crisis. I almost wondered if this was the time to make a clean break.
Finally I told him that it was obvious he didn't want to be here, that maybe he needed to go back to New York. He began to cry. I'd never seen him cry, never even got close to looking sad. But how he was so distraught, promising he'd get a job right away, that we could go explore the city, he'd find things he wanted to do.
His tears made me cry, and I finally got it. I realized how much I loved him all along, and how horrible I felt hurting him with my confrontation. It was a strange kind of revelation, thinking our relationship had run our course and then understanding that it was just beginning. I now understood how honest I could be with him.
— siobhan
So that was fine. Years passed and while we didn't get married we grew into a family with my young son and a move across the country to a house in Seattle. But there was something weird about the move. When I asked him if he was willing to move for a post-doc position, he responded, 'if I have to'. He complained about selling and packing up our stuff, he seemed despondent over leaving the life we'd built in New York, his teaching and coaching, biking with a semi-pro team on weekend. he would have nothing in Seattle besides me and my son.
We arrived in Seattle in mid-winter and it was almost as if he wasn't there. He didn't look for a job, he didn't want to go out or spend time with me and extended family(who lived in Seattle). I kept waiting for him to announce he would leave, that the relationship wasn't enough to make him stay in a city he clearly hated. But he wasn't saying anything, just acting closed in, and slightly cranky. I loved him, but I still wasn't sure if this was the burning lifelong love that made me want to hold onto him through this first major crisis. I almost wondered if this was the time to make a clean break.
Finally I told him that it was obvious he didn't want to be here, that maybe he needed to go back to New York. He began to cry. I'd never seen him cry, never even got close to looking sad. But how he was so distraught, promising he'd get a job right away, that we could go explore the city, he'd find things he wanted to do.
His tears made me cry, and I finally got it. I realized how much I loved him all along, and how horrible I felt hurting him with my confrontation. It was a strange kind of revelation, thinking our relationship had run our course and then understanding that it was just beginning. I now understood how honest I could be with him.
— siobhan
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