I. Don't. Think. I. Can. Do. It.

I have a dilemma, unresolved events

and issues that have instilled anger

and fear and deep sadness, too,

that have brought out the

judgementalism I try so hard to quash

and built walls between friends and family.

I struggle with what I need to do

to release their power over me.

Is forgiveness the answer?

7 long years of lies, hate, violence,

racism, and white nationalism.

The rise of Christian nationalism-

this perhaps the hardest to understand

because it includes members of

the body of Christ choosing to follow a path

that Jesus would never have trod.

My Christian “sister”, unfriended on

FaceBook in the hopes that someday,

maybe, I will be able to forget her posts.

Or my Christian (biological) brother, who spouts

implausible “facts” without providing any references.

Issues carefully avoided when meeting

with long-time friends from church,

transparency no longer possible.

Mr. Trump, as the leader of the free world,

with over 30,000 documented lies in 4 years,

statements easily fact-checked but still believed

by faithful followers wearing red caps,

shouting hateful slogans, and wearing crosses.

January 6th, a preplanned strategy to overturn

my vote and the democratic process,

Fox News and Tucker Carlson, who can

say whatever he wants because

everyone knows it’s just entertainment.

An alternate reality where conspiracy theories

are embraced as truth and revelation.

The home in our nice Dutch community

with large block letters in their picture window

shouting “Let’s Go Brandon”.

The ugly underbelly of the America I love

now on full, unashamed display.

All of these things, building up inside me

making me into someone I don’t like.

The question, then, is what to do because

any therapist will warn of the dangers

of letting things simmer, unresolved.

Is forgiveness the answer?

Is it possible to forgive anyone who

doesn’t think they’ve done anything wrong-

or worse, knows they have?

Do the words of Jesus apply here:

Father forgive them because they

don’t know what they are doing?

Is forgiveness possible without repentance?

Is it possible for me to forgive the

events of the last 7 years and move on?

What does that forgiveness even look like?

Will forgiveness free me of resentment?

Does forgiveness bring about a change

in feelings, or if feelings are still there

does it mean forgiveness hasn’t happened?

If (and I don’t know) forgiveness is the answer,

I. don’t. think. I can. do. it.

Lord have mercy.

— cmshingle