I wanted to come first for someone.
Everyone else had their first. The twins were their own firsts. Annette had many firsts, from boys to my parents. Especially my parents.
I found this out the day my college acceptances came.
I hadn’t done too badly. I logged onto the five websites of the state universities I’d applied to: U Mass at Boston, U Mass at Amherst, U Conn and my top favorite: University of Buffalo, the school that Daniel had told me offered him the most scholarship money.
I’d saved University of Buffalo for last. After I saw I got in I turned around and told my parents that’s where I wanted to go.
They gave each other sidelong glances, and my mom told me that it was out of their price range. I could either go to U Mass Amherst or U Mass Boston, where I’d pay in-state tuition.
“But I don’t want to go to either of those places. U Mass is like a zoo. Kids throw TVs and beer bottles out of the thirty storey dorms. You can get hurt just trying to get to your room at night. I want to go to a small school, like University of Buffalo.”
My mom shook her head. “We can’t afford it. Tuition at Buffalo is twice as much and you didn’t qualify for any scholarship money. We’re not going to let you take out student loans and have that hanging over you for years.”
“But I want to take out loans! It’s where I want to go!”
My parents pointed out that, with my track record, it wasn’t clear if I was going to get a useful degree, if any, and that loans like these could take forever to pay off with a minimum wage salary.
It was infuriatingly clear that they didn’t expect me to have a good paying job, much less finish college. All this pretense of supporting me in my art came down to this moment, where the amount of money they’d invest in me was the bare minimum.
Frantically I pointed out that they were paying for Annette to go to Cornell, which was a crazy expensive private school.
Annette was different, they said. She got grades, she was pursuing a degree in finance and was bound to make great money some day. But the admitted it was so expensive that they didn’t have much money set aside for me. Two kids in college was going to be a struggle no matter what.
Now it was crystal clear. They favored Annette more than me, they loved her more than me. I’d always tried to tell myself that even though she was the pretty one, she was also mean. I was the nice one, even with my bad grades, and niceness would be rewarded too.
Only it wasn’t going to get me anywhere. And I could already tell I was going to be nice to fight back.
— siobhan
Everyone else had their first. The twins were their own firsts. Annette had many firsts, from boys to my parents. Especially my parents.
I found this out the day my college acceptances came.
I hadn’t done too badly. I logged onto the five websites of the state universities I’d applied to: U Mass at Boston, U Mass at Amherst, U Conn and my top favorite: University of Buffalo, the school that Daniel had told me offered him the most scholarship money.
I’d saved University of Buffalo for last. After I saw I got in I turned around and told my parents that’s where I wanted to go.
They gave each other sidelong glances, and my mom told me that it was out of their price range. I could either go to U Mass Amherst or U Mass Boston, where I’d pay in-state tuition.
“But I don’t want to go to either of those places. U Mass is like a zoo. Kids throw TVs and beer bottles out of the thirty storey dorms. You can get hurt just trying to get to your room at night. I want to go to a small school, like University of Buffalo.”
My mom shook her head. “We can’t afford it. Tuition at Buffalo is twice as much and you didn’t qualify for any scholarship money. We’re not going to let you take out student loans and have that hanging over you for years.”
“But I want to take out loans! It’s where I want to go!”
My parents pointed out that, with my track record, it wasn’t clear if I was going to get a useful degree, if any, and that loans like these could take forever to pay off with a minimum wage salary.
It was infuriatingly clear that they didn’t expect me to have a good paying job, much less finish college. All this pretense of supporting me in my art came down to this moment, where the amount of money they’d invest in me was the bare minimum.
Frantically I pointed out that they were paying for Annette to go to Cornell, which was a crazy expensive private school.
Annette was different, they said. She got grades, she was pursuing a degree in finance and was bound to make great money some day. But the admitted it was so expensive that they didn’t have much money set aside for me. Two kids in college was going to be a struggle no matter what.
Now it was crystal clear. They favored Annette more than me, they loved her more than me. I’d always tried to tell myself that even though she was the pretty one, she was also mean. I was the nice one, even with my bad grades, and niceness would be rewarded too.
Only it wasn’t going to get me anywhere. And I could already tell I was going to be nice to fight back.
— siobhan
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