Do you want to be happy...or right?

As a child, I was compliant (looking back, probably too compliant)- the child every parent thinks they want: follows directions, never causes any trouble, obeys without question, no drama, no defiance, no push back. Fast forward to my marriage and all that compliance vanished (much to my husband’s surprise and chagrin, I’m sure)...soon as we said “I Do”. We were both in our late 20s and had been independent, living on our own, settled in our careers, making all of our own decisions. Suddenly, we were 2 strong-willed, stubborn people attempting to navigate life together, each convinced that their “obviously correct, carefully thought through” opinions, insights, conclusions, perspectives were the only correct, plausible ones…and thus, non-negotiable. To be honest, I feared being constantly overruled by my husband, always having to yield to his decisions, never having a say in joint decisions, losing myself in the process; I had not yet developed the trust that comes after living and loving together. Having said that, the first year of our marriage was far from the “honeymoon period” everyone claimed it would be. I don’t remember any of the specific issues of conflict, only that there were many; however, I do remember countless nights each arguing our case (and refusing to budge) until the very early morning hours (note to my Dad, who on our wedding day, quoted this advice to us “Do not let the sun go down on your anger”: this is not always a good strategy when sleep deprivation often makes situations worse!). I frequently thought of the quote, “Do you want to be right... or happy”; unfortunately I wanted both. Thankfully, we have mellowed with age, become wiser, developed a deep trust in each other, so that 42 years later, only very rarely do I regress to my stiff-neckedness self. With mutual respect, trust, values, and an intimate knowledge of who my husband is (not an overbearing tyrant determined to subjugate me into submission to his every decision or opinion), we have become a rather well-oiled machine when it comes to decision making. And that is a very comfortable, peaceful place to be. Gratefully, I have evolved over the years (and isn’t that what we all hope to do), but I will have to admit to a residual flaw. I too often give an immediate answer, opinion, negative response to my husband or family before thinking carefully (engage brain before engaging mouth). This has actually become a bit of a family joke. My son frequently says, “Just wait a little while and Mom will come around”. We laugh, he’s right, and life is good.

— cmshingle