I was born Catholic; cleansed through baptism, confessed for the first time at 8; memorized my catechism and, as expected, was confirmed at 12, making me officially a soldier of Christ!! And that was all good, I thought. God seemed close in those early years...even into my teens... like I KNEW Him. We had a relationship. We talked. Bedtime prayers could get pretty involved...lengthy. I woke up in the middle of the night more than once, seeing the ethereal "glow in the dark" of my plastic rosary beads buried under the covers. I had more than one dream (nightmare?) about the end of the world (God appearing in a blaze of lightning on a bank of clouds above the trees) or the Madonna appearing at the foot of my bed.
There were questions, all along, of course:
"Do you mean that all my friends that aren't Catholic are going to Hell???"
"Why is sex so off limits?"
"Why can't I depend upon my own conscience?"
There were troubling observations of behavior by family members: angry outbursts, abusive language, obvious racism. BUT we went to Mass every Sunday; we observed Lent and made our Easter duty.
I was Catholic. Until I wasn't. At the end of my junior year of college, involved in an intense love affair, I left school, headed to New York to be a dancer, and not only never went back to the Church, but I proclaimed myself an Atheist! And for years, I tried very hard to be. It made life so much less complicated. But there were signs: so much religious imagery in my writing, the literature and films I was drawn to, my fascination with the mystery of Christ in the new Testament, and the symbolism of the Holy Trinity AND my suppressed but very real longing for that connection to something greater.
I am 72 now, and for so many years it makes my head ache to recall, I have been plagued with questions on the practice of faith. Still struggling with issues like "What is prayer? How do I pray? How do I hold myself in the presence of divine love, and simply be? It has been tough without guidance, without a church! I grieve for the loss of that relationship I had as a child. I don't have the security of someone else's words in prayer; I don't have the support of rituals. But I am invested in this pursuit...the most important of my life. Maybe I will always simply be chasing down the Mystery.
— DMRS
There were questions, all along, of course:
"Do you mean that all my friends that aren't Catholic are going to Hell???"
"Why is sex so off limits?"
"Why can't I depend upon my own conscience?"
There were troubling observations of behavior by family members: angry outbursts, abusive language, obvious racism. BUT we went to Mass every Sunday; we observed Lent and made our Easter duty.
I was Catholic. Until I wasn't. At the end of my junior year of college, involved in an intense love affair, I left school, headed to New York to be a dancer, and not only never went back to the Church, but I proclaimed myself an Atheist! And for years, I tried very hard to be. It made life so much less complicated. But there were signs: so much religious imagery in my writing, the literature and films I was drawn to, my fascination with the mystery of Christ in the new Testament, and the symbolism of the Holy Trinity AND my suppressed but very real longing for that connection to something greater.
I am 72 now, and for so many years it makes my head ache to recall, I have been plagued with questions on the practice of faith. Still struggling with issues like "What is prayer? How do I pray? How do I hold myself in the presence of divine love, and simply be? It has been tough without guidance, without a church! I grieve for the loss of that relationship I had as a child. I don't have the security of someone else's words in prayer; I don't have the support of rituals. But I am invested in this pursuit...the most important of my life. Maybe I will always simply be chasing down the Mystery.
— DMRS
How lovely! "Chasing down the mystery!" You are a dancer/detective!
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